Hi everyone!
Today's entry is a bit different from my usual posts. Instead of telling you all about my most recent modeling endeavor, I want to take a second and write about something I've been mulling over the past few weeks. To be honest, this post took me a longer time to write than I originally expected. I struggled to find the words I wanted to use to express my feelings about this topic. After a lot of soul searching, though, I think I've found the right ones. But before I write more about today's topic, I want to share a story with all of you.
When I was in high school, I remember trying to write a poem about wanting to be a painting. It started out fine enough. I wrote sentences about being "immortalized on canvas" and all the other dramatic words and phrases I could think of. But being the emotional and somewhat angsty teenager I was, the poem took a dark turn. I went on to say that "harsh is the reality I see in the mirror" and that "I'll never be a painting." To summarize:
"I feel ugly and need a hug because I'm an emotional sixteen year old girl."
I can laugh about it now, but at the time, this would have been anything but funny to me.
Like a lot of people, I've struggled with my self image. I'd also be lying if I said that being in the performing world didn't play a part in this. As much as I love being an actress and want to keep doing theatre for the rest of my life, there's a harsh truth every performer learns when they start trying to make a career out of their passion. That harsh truth would be that how you physically look plays a huge part in whether or not you get hired, sometimes even more that your talent.
One of the biggest issues I've had over my appearance is my height. I'm five feet tall, but some days, I feel even shorter than that. It's not just a matter of people making short jokes or using me as a human arm rest (although this is plenty annoying.) If there's one thing I've learned about being a short woman, it's that people often mistake you for being much younger than you actually are. You wouldn't think this would be much of an issue, but it is. I can't tell you the number of times I've felt like someone treated me like a child because I didn't "look old enough" to be a young adult. It gets frustrating pretty fast, not to mention a little more that degrading.
But the "perks" of being short don't end there. I know deep in my heart that I am not fat. Really, I do. I know have a lot of physical strength from doing taking dance classes, doing Pilates, and practicing yoga over the years, particularly in my legs. However, a lot of my friends who are five foot two or shorter will agree with me when I say this. Being smaller in stature tends to create a stockier look as you gain muscle, especially in the lower body area, which creates the illusion of being overweight. I can't tell you how many times I've looked at my lower stomach or legs in the mirror and thought how big and chubby they were, sometimes to the point of tears.
It's not just my height, though, that I'm insecure about. When I was younger, I couldn't stand my curly hair. I hated how frizzy it was and how I felt like I couldn't style it any attractive ways. But after I straightened it for the first time, I started getting a lot of compliments about how pretty it looked, some of which came from previous bullies. So, I started straightening my hair as much as I could, sometimes getting up before 5am to style it. This went on for a few years...until I realized how damaged my hair was getting. I eventually learned how to style my curls so my hair wouldn't look like a tumbleweed, but I still had (and still have) my deep insecurities about it.
Lastly, I've never felt confident about my skin. I think I've experienced every kind of acne known to man. Pimples, whiteheads, blackheads, cysts. You name it, I've had it. I remember getting bullied so frequently for this during my teenage years that I felt like more people were staring at my acne than looking at my face. It got to the point where I decided no to maintain eye contact with anyone I talked to. That way, I could make sure that no one could stare at my acne and find cause to make fun of me. To this day, I still have trouble making eye contact with people for this very same reason.
With all that said, it’s more than a little ironic that I’m now in a line of work that focuses so much on physical appearance. But here’s the thing; art modeling isn’t just about “looking good.” It’s not about being stick thin, having your hair and makeup perfectly done, or strutting down a runway. It’s also not about trying to create an ideal image for everyone to see.
Art modeling is about being creative and inventive in each pose you do. It’s about being physically and mentally strong enough to be still for up to twenty minutes at a time. It’s about figuring out what your body is capable of, accepting your limits, and utilizing your strengths. And most importantly, it’s about understanding that people will see you in a thousand different ways, no matter how you
spin it.
I remember after my very first modeling, I was nervous to look at the drawings the students had done. My fears of looking fat and ugly were strong, but my feelings of curiousity were stronger. So I mustered up the courage to see their work...and was completely taken aback by what I saw. Instead of looking like an awkward, chubby girl like I feared, my body looked graceful and womanly. All of my “problem areas” didn’t seem problematic at all. In fact, I barely even noticed them. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I walked out of the class feeling more beautiful and confident than I had felt in a long time.
I wish I could say that this experience made all my insecurities go away, and that every time I looked at another drawing or painting of me, I felt the same sense of joy and confidence. But the truth is, it didn’t. I still have plenty of days where I feel like my sixteen year old self again and the last thing I want to do is look in the mirror. I also have moments where I see a student’s artwork of me and have thoughts like “Do I really look that fat and ugly?” (Through no fault of their own, mind you.)
But then there are moments when I’m in a modeling session and I receive a compliment from the students or instructor about my appearance. Compliments like:
"Look at her hair. It reminds me of a Roman goddess."
"You have such an interesting face to draw."
"You're so beautiful, and you're a great model."
It's these compliments that make me realize that the parts of myself I don't necessarily like are what make me interesting as an art model. It's also these compliments that remind me that I'm good at what I do. Yes, because I'm a hard worker, have creative ideas about how to pose, and can hold still for a long time. But also because I am me, and all that entails. And that makes it all worth it in the end.
I firmly believe that self-love and confidence are journeys, rather than destinations. I also firmly believe that they're not easy journeys to go on, and that they're often filled with doubt and disappointment. But the beautiful thing about that is for every bullying remark or hurtful comment, there's also kind words and a heartfelt compliment to match them. Being an art model has taught me that. It's also taught me to be braver and more secure in my body, even if I don't always feel that way.
And finally, it's taught me that I can be a painting (and a drawing, and a sculpture.). And that all of works of art, flaws and all, can be captivating and beautiful. <3
See you soon!
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